THE BEST STORY IN THE WORLD...EVER PART I
"Bollocks!" muttered Steve as he fell down a big hole. Then he woke up. It was 6:00 AM and he had to be up for us 11 o'clock pedicure at Alfonzo's. He clambered out of bed and opened up his window letting the fresh taste of pollution enter his sweet lungs. He sighed and went into the kitchen.
"You're up early," said Jeff, Steve's flat-mate. Jeff was tall yet only 5 feet 2 inches. He wore Armani suits and Superman skivvies. Last summer, he'd even bought a walkman.
Jeff poured some coffee into a cup and Steve sat down on the linoleum. The chairs had been stolen the previous week by George, Steve's ex-girlfriend. Although George is a common male name, Steve's ex insisted on being called it, despite her real name being Aeronautics In The Space Time Continuum.
"I said," said Jeff, "You're up early."
"And I heard you!" screamed Steve clutching his head.
"Are you still having those dreams?"
"Yes, but they're more like..."
"Nightmares..." cooed Jeff eerily
"Naw, pigeons."
"It's a common disease."
"What is?"
"Lepracy."
With this, Jeff scooped some butter from the fridge and attempted to lubricate Steve's asshole.
"RUN!" screamed Steve, not entirely sure who he was telling to run. So, he made a dash for it, Jeff hot at his heels. Steve ran down the spiral staircase, falling on the last three. He rolled out of the front door onto the cold, wet pavement outside. Jeff leapt out of the doorway armed with a shoe. Steve grabbed a kipper and skelped Jeff with it.
"Stay back..." said Steve.
"Or what?" growled Jeff.
"Steve!" yelled Steve with his multiple personalities showing. He ran out into the street and was subsequently knocked down by a boat.
"Crazy drunk pedestrians," screamed the Captain Ajax. Steve checked his watch. It was 10:58. Somehow, time had passed intensely quickly. Steve ran to Alfonzo's.
"I'm here for my pedicure," said Steve.
"Alfonzo will be with you in ten," sang the receptionist.
"And what's your name, pretty little thang?" said Steve, his previous encounters with a bum-happy Jeff and a big boat long forgotten.
"James," said Lynn.
"James...my, that's a lovely name...can I buy you a house in Miami?"
"Some day may be..." said Lynn dreamily, her eyes wandering to the stars. "Sometimes I lie in my bed and look up at the stars, just...wondering where my roof went."
"I do that too," said Steve, oozing his way into the small seat beside Lynn.
"I guess we're both dreamers..."
"I guess so..." said Steve, who proceeded to stick his tongue out and close his eyes.
"Raargh!" said Alfonzo calmly.
"Oh, hi, Alfonzo!" said Steve, turning round to face him, casually, forgetting all about whatsherface.
"Here for your pedicure, eh?" said Alfonzo. Steve took off his shoes and socks and beans and walked slowly over to