Us Versus Excrement
"run!" screamed the pan as I washed my shit down there. Get the frick down there, goddamnit! Don't you just hate it when your excrement retaliates...
It leaps out of the pan and attacks me! Aaaargh I say calmly. I run towards the exit door and the door of exit, I make my escape with some lettuce and ham.
I don't get far down the corridor before the woman next door comes up to me and she says she does she says says she that : "The house is not for sale after all, Mr. Jel", and I'm so upset that I nearly puke on her tits.
I feel an urge to destroy the shit that once ruled my life, and after this, I will have no more anxiety and no more nos. I end up plotting a graph all night. Will you, won't you, will you, won't you, will you, won't you join the dance?! I AM THE LORD OF THE DANCE! Michael Flathead can kiss my bouncy buttocks, that little woofter.
As soon as morning hits, we all duck for cover. As soon as it's clear we all get up and enter the room. The shit sees me and attacks right away. Get her I cry as my men and I attack full frontal. Is there any end to the shit's powers? Four men go down, five, six, twelve. I end up dead. Oh my god! I resurrect myself using the special powers of resurrection, urrection res I found in the forest last Wednesday. I'm glad I went for my little walk now, I don't think I could've survived without meeting that damn witch who had sex with my fancy.
We hide behind the couch/sofa/settee/birdcage until the shit falls asleep in the corner on a pile of old piles. Once I notice the haemorrhoids starting to attach themselves to the shit, I attack. Armour at the ready, the shit bounces back to power, screaming at its limit : "My eyes, motherfucker!" I kill the shit with a blow from my blower, and once it dies, I am triumphant. No longer will I shit in Sellafield.
- Miguel C. Kesey